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Friday, February 13, 2004

My Only Platform Is This Blog, Low Though It May Be

So, I came up with a good idea for Saturday Night Live, and I checked out SNL's website to see if I could send my idea to them. But, the site specifically says for me to shove my idea up my ass, 'cause the kind folks at NBC don't want it. Check it out! Paragraph that begins with "Finally."

I guess they figure their high-paid writers are cleverer than all the rest of the people in the world combined.

So, I'm stuck with telling the routine to you guys, and hoping you can imagine it being performed on Saturday Night Live. Eddie Murphy plays the part of the defendant, "Ed." Dan "Dan" Akroyd is the prosecution lawyer, cross-examining Eddie.

Dan: Ed, the records I'm holding in my hand show that you accessed the Internet multiple times during the month of December. Is this true?

Ed: Yes.

Dan: They also show that on nearly every one of these occasions that you accessed the Internet, you surfed primarily within a site called Sublime Directory dot com. Is this correct, Ed?

Ed: Yes.

Dan: And, can you please tell the jury, Ed, what the content of this web site is?

Ed: It contains sexually graphic photographs.

Dan: Ah. Pornography. Is that what you would call it, Ed?

Ed: Yes.

Dan: Ed, I believe that there are different pornographic specialties. What kind of pornography is it that you like?

Ed: I just like pictures of beautiful naked women.

Dan: Hmm huh. (Dan flips through the records he holds.) It shows here, Ed, that you stayed for quite a long time on one particular site entitled Anal Gals. It shows here that this site contained several clips from movies showing a woman having anal sex. (Pause.) Ed, what were you doing during the 9 minutes and 52 seconds you were in this site?

Ed: (A little hesitant) I believe the correct terminology is "on this site." Not "in this site."

Dan: What?

Ed: The terminology. The word. You said, "What were you doing in this site?" When I think you meant to say, "What were you doing on this site?"

Dan: In, on. What difference does it really make?

Ed: (Shocked) It makes a big difference whether you're in something or on something!

Dan: Whatever! What were you doing on this website, this Anal Gals web site?

Ed: (Ed looks up at the judge, played by Jane Curtain, and says...) But, Your Honor, do I have to answer these questions?

Jane: Yes, I'm afraid you do (she says kindly, sounding something like the good witch of the North).

Ed: (clearly distraught) Well, if this lawyer can ask such embarrassing questions that have nothing to do with this case, then at least I should get to ask him some questions in return.

Jane: (Ponders for a moment) I'll allow it.

Dan: But, Your Honor! (Dan is flabbergasted.)

Jane: Counselor! You will submit to this man's sexual questioning! (She looks at him sexually.)

Dan: (Shocked, then confused) But,.... your.... honor....

Jane: Go ahead, Ed. (She turns to Dan to watch his reaction. He mostly looks dumbfounded, and moves his eyes back and forth between Ed and Jane.)

Ed: So, Dan...., have you ever smelled ladies' underwear after it had been worn?

Dan: (staring at Ed) No. No. (He moves his stare to Jane, and sees her pout her lips.) I mean, yes. Yes, I have smelled women's underwear.

Ed: After they've been worn?

Dan: Yes, after they'd been worn. (He seems resigned, now. Jane begins to squirm.)

Ed: (Not knowing when he'd scored a point) Was she a skank?

Dan: What?!

Ed: The woman who wore the smelly underpants, was she a skank?

Dan: She most assuredly was not a skank! (Regaining his dignity) Your Honor, please!

Jane: Go on, Ed. Let's find out what a naughty boy our counselor has been. (She begins to writhes in her chair.)

Ed: (confused, but basically willing to carry on) So, besides this filthy underwear episode, what other things have you gotten into?

Dan: Nothing! Nothing.

Ed: Hmm huh...(he ponders Dan's face for the first time; Dan can't hold his gaze) Dan. I bet you like some wild booty, you dirty s.o.b.!

Dan: Do not! (Jane lets out a slight whimper, and everyone stares at her for a moment, she just flicks her head with a wave of her hair)

Ed: (Beginning a new thrust) When were you last in Vegas, Dan?

Dan: April. No! November!

Ed: And, did you meet some women, there? (Dan is nodding, now, and Jane is getting more and more bothered) Dan, did you meet some prostitutes?!

Dan: Yes, I did it all!

Ed: Tell us, Dan, tell us what did you do when you were in Vegas last April?

Dan: (Puzzled) You mean, November? (Jane suddenly stops her increasing sexual frenzy, and looks up at Ed.)

Ed: Yeah, November. (Jane resumes.)

Dan: We did it to them.

Ed: What did you do, Dan? (Jane is about to climax.)

Dan: We... (he pauses)

Ed: Did you have sex with them, Dan?

Dan: No. (Jane comes to a grinding halt.)

Ed: No?!

Dan: No. They asked us if we wanted to have sex with them. But we told them that all we wanted to do was talk about politics and economics with them.

Ed: (truly appalled) Oh! My! God!

Jane: How disgusting!

Ed: Those poor women.

Jane: (immediately straightens up and primps into propriety) Bailiff, remove counsel to a cell, I'll tend to him later. (Dan, in disbelief, is removed. Jane turns to Ed.) So, Mr. Murphy, it looks like we'll need to find us a new lawyer to prosecute you. What do you say we knock off early today, and you and I go get a bite to eat. I know this little place with a marguerita happy hour that'll knock your socks off.

Ed: That sounds great! But, Your Honor, why are you being so nice to me? (They both get up to begin walking toward the dooring)

Jane: Let's just say that if a man who's slid by so much shit in his life can be elected President of the United States, then I'm sure a little shit can float right by my life, too.

Ed: You can say that again, sister.

Jane: Besides, the mere mention of economics makes me horny. (They depart)

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